So with the move finally done and we're still settling in I'll go through some thoughts. I love the new place and the independence I now have as a person and I'm making sure I look out for my people.
The first night I get a call from my little sister saying she misses me and it took everything I had to not choke up with tears. I guess it finally hit her that I was leaving. Because she didn't say anything the several times I told her or perhaps she didn't think I was actually moving. Either way it was hard to hear her like that. But I assured her I'll be around still just not as much.
The first night was the most liberating feeling when I got to lay down in my bed for the first time in a new setting. It gave me a great feeling of satisfaction. It was even better because I didn't have to work that night either. It was a perfect night.
The second and third days have been fine too. I just worked 10 hours yesterday virtually nonstop and slept at 2 in the morning, so today I was really taken aback by the fact I woke up at 6 with the hungries. So now I'm finally feeling the weight of my fatigue and starting to yawn. So I'm gonna hit some more of this leftover pizza and pass out again.
I'm looking to kick myself right back into HIGH GEAR the coming weeks. I have every tool I need to get me in motion. I'm working on my website/portfolio and brainstorming Ideas for the channel let's plays and looking to design some shirts too. I'm really aspiring to get grinding and rapidly expand and now that I have the space and independence to do so I'm gonna apply the drive.
Thursday, December 3, 2015
Thursday, November 19, 2015
Moving on with life and more and less anxiety
I'm gonna start off by saying that I'm getting more comfortable expressing my feelings out. I just feel like I'm being judged from all angles in any venture and it's like, I don't wanna be judged but I do. The problem with me is I seek perfection or high quality but lack the patience to obtain it. I like doing the things I do: Drawing, writing, music, game design, but I have the overwhelming doubts that I'm doing it wrong every time.
I hate being criticized without advice. Being told your work sucks or is sub par sucks without someone telling you WHY it sucks. But I became used to that. I have hangups about posting any of my work because I'm worried about people saying that it's not good or could be better but just leave it at that. It leaves me feeling empty and annoyed like "how?" I don't like it at all. So I like to keep things under wraps til major developments.
But then there's the other side of me who just wants some sort of praise anywhere where I can get it. Like dammit just be proud of what I did so far. I want to receive the praise and the constructive criticism without receiving any of the bashing. I mean I just got what I wated at my temp job where they were so impressed with my work that they're practically throwing hours at me. That's what I truly want. recognition. I want someone to say DAMN THAT'S GOOD. But being on the internet of course that's nowhere near close to a guarantee so I just have hangups. It's really annoying and honestly I hope I can get over it soon. I'm moving on to the next chapters of my life. Living on my own and building a name for myself by myself. Moving on to a new job and hopefully a new life. Maybe even a new girlfriend if I can stop being awkward for 5 seconds.
I'm just saying I have dreams and ambitions. I honestly don't want to choke on them either. I just hope that I can come outta my shell more and more bit by bit as time moves on. And then I can see myself in an exec seat soon enough.
I hate being criticized without advice. Being told your work sucks or is sub par sucks without someone telling you WHY it sucks. But I became used to that. I have hangups about posting any of my work because I'm worried about people saying that it's not good or could be better but just leave it at that. It leaves me feeling empty and annoyed like "how?" I don't like it at all. So I like to keep things under wraps til major developments.
But then there's the other side of me who just wants some sort of praise anywhere where I can get it. Like dammit just be proud of what I did so far. I want to receive the praise and the constructive criticism without receiving any of the bashing. I mean I just got what I wated at my temp job where they were so impressed with my work that they're practically throwing hours at me. That's what I truly want. recognition. I want someone to say DAMN THAT'S GOOD. But being on the internet of course that's nowhere near close to a guarantee so I just have hangups. It's really annoying and honestly I hope I can get over it soon. I'm moving on to the next chapters of my life. Living on my own and building a name for myself by myself. Moving on to a new job and hopefully a new life. Maybe even a new girlfriend if I can stop being awkward for 5 seconds.
I'm just saying I have dreams and ambitions. I honestly don't want to choke on them either. I just hope that I can come outta my shell more and more bit by bit as time moves on. And then I can see myself in an exec seat soon enough.
Friday, October 23, 2015
Slowly realizing my place
Last night I realized my place in the world. Over the past couple months I've been trying out all the things I never got to do due to lack of time/funds/interests/etc and I really actually found myself enjoying them. I've been going to weekly fighting game tournaments at a local game store and actually got to get competitive for once with people who care about getting competitive. And even though a majority of the time these people who practice and analyze fighting games much more than I do wrecked my shit I really enjoyed my time there.
But come last night when I was watching the stream for said tourney I had a bit of banter with the casters and it was fun but they told my presence wasn't missed lol. I know I wasn't a staple there but for me it was an eye opener. I am not a fighting game player. I like fighting games. And I like a lot fo other things. I think the reason I wanted to try so many things is because I always tried to fit in wherever I could with people. I also liked seeing how far I could go in versatility. But I've also realized that I can only do so much. And even though I do a lot, I thought I'd have more interest in these things. Come to find out that they're more passing glances and opportunities for me.
I don't have much the patience to get good at everything I like to do. And I'm not meant to be in the big leagues everywhere. In fact I have to be honest with myself and admit that I have a nasty attitude toward some people I deem beneath me. I don't know why but it's a certain cockiness that I get from just knowing I can do something. It's just knowing I could be good at something if I tried but resting on that potential to be a straight up asshole that I need to stop.
I just need to accept my lot and stay in my place. Only talk shit when I am the shit. And this is mental too. I can't think I'm better than someone out of potential, I need to think that only when I'm truly a great. But even then the mark of a great isn't to talk down but to build up.
My true passions are in Writing and Drawing and Video Game Design. And those are what I should put all my time into. Those are the circles I belong in. Those are the area where if I were ever to build arrogance for some reason it should be sourced from them. But I think this is a good turnaround point for me. I think I can finally clear the checks off my life to-do list for my 20s and thank goodness for that. I had so many things I wanted to do when I was younger and thought I would never do. I still have more but I think I'll take a more passive role than I did before. I wanna take in the experience but not become part of it.
But come last night when I was watching the stream for said tourney I had a bit of banter with the casters and it was fun but they told my presence wasn't missed lol. I know I wasn't a staple there but for me it was an eye opener. I am not a fighting game player. I like fighting games. And I like a lot fo other things. I think the reason I wanted to try so many things is because I always tried to fit in wherever I could with people. I also liked seeing how far I could go in versatility. But I've also realized that I can only do so much. And even though I do a lot, I thought I'd have more interest in these things. Come to find out that they're more passing glances and opportunities for me.
I don't have much the patience to get good at everything I like to do. And I'm not meant to be in the big leagues everywhere. In fact I have to be honest with myself and admit that I have a nasty attitude toward some people I deem beneath me. I don't know why but it's a certain cockiness that I get from just knowing I can do something. It's just knowing I could be good at something if I tried but resting on that potential to be a straight up asshole that I need to stop.
I just need to accept my lot and stay in my place. Only talk shit when I am the shit. And this is mental too. I can't think I'm better than someone out of potential, I need to think that only when I'm truly a great. But even then the mark of a great isn't to talk down but to build up.
My true passions are in Writing and Drawing and Video Game Design. And those are what I should put all my time into. Those are the circles I belong in. Those are the area where if I were ever to build arrogance for some reason it should be sourced from them. But I think this is a good turnaround point for me. I think I can finally clear the checks off my life to-do list for my 20s and thank goodness for that. I had so many things I wanted to do when I was younger and thought I would never do. I still have more but I think I'll take a more passive role than I did before. I wanna take in the experience but not become part of it.
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