I don't know why. I feel like I've lived within the same walls for far too many years. Like this doesn't go away. I feel like I don't understand people despite having an illusion of doing so. I treat them like equations basically. Always trying to solve them and manipulate them rather than interacting. And then there's the part of me that's screaming from the inside out. I'm banging on the walls to be who I want to be. But I just have so much fear.
Fear and consequence. Guilt and consequence. For some reason I'm just stuck in this loop of mental torture. I believe that if I make one mistake, the world will collapse. So I stick to what's safe. I stick to the comfort zone. I stick to making the same thing happen over and over because I know that's what I can rely on for 100% predictable results. I don't even think about stepping outside those walls. All that lies out there is trouble.
How to break this nightmare loop? I wish I knew. I've had so much issue with abandonment it's become ingrained in my psyche. One slip up trying to deviate and I just go back to square one.
Earlier my roommate referenced "being an adult" and I realized that my mindset really is juvenile as all hell. I believe long time friendships can just be broken up because of one misspeak. One wrong act can devastate friendships. But, I don't do that. And I don't get why I don't apply my own common sense to others. I'm very reasonable and so are a lot of the people I associate with. It's just I've received so much hatred, like I feel genuine hatred, from my past that I think everyone around me as simply irrational. Robotic. And this makes me act like I can control them with certain response or action to get what I want. I've gone into the zone of seriously treating people like animals. I've gone mad.
Of course there's hope. Bringing down these walls is a hard task. I have to reconnect with what I want. I want to reconnect with the world. In a natural way. Maybe lots of alcohol is the cure. Everyone around me is just as sane as I am. I need to repeat that.
#streamofconsciousness #youWillCriticizethiswhenyoureaditinthefuture #thankyourself
