A burning Secret

Alright so this is becoming PAINFULLY apparent to everyone. I'm extremely timid. I hate that people may not like what I do or make. It's something people get therapy for I'm sure, but the thing that makes that worse is that my pride keeps me from getting help. You see the way I am I don't WANT help despite me needing it. I don't have anyone to vent to strangely, just a blog. Okay I can bitch to the internet.

But the thing is, the reason I disappear for months to years at a time is because I'm afraid of judgement. I WANT to beat everyone and wave my dick in their face like "SUCK IT BITCH" but that moment can easily be deflated by criticism. I don't know why it's always been that way, I was always used to being the best at anything in school (non sports related) When we did class projects I made sure to put extra effort into things and make them truly unique. But now that I have millions of peers compared to about 20 it makes standing out so much harder, I want to be recognized, I want the recognition dammit.

I'm not irrational (cause rational people contradict themselves like I'm about to) I know hard work leads to recognition.

 "Practice doesn't make perfect. Practice makes better."

Words from my band teacher throughout middle school and I never took them seriously. I honestly think maybe I live in a hell of my own creation and I don't apply the talent I know I have in order to hide my imperfections. It's a crazy cycle but I've done it for years. I am the man with the plan with no means to execute them. My plans always sound amazing and that was the one thing that kept me going, that everybody expects something great and they'll always expect it and I honestly don't want to disappoint that hype so I never come through. I've rarely completed a project I've started. It's a cycle that I need to break if I'm to get anywhere in life, but I'm so used to being lazy and I don't fucking know why.

Like Merle Dixon said, "I'm a complete mystery to me" and I seem to know all the answers off the bat but never actually use them. This is the mind of the Grim.

~Grim

Anybody think that Final Fantasy 13 was a flop?

I couldn't sit through the first 4 hours of this game before I sold it. Lightning was completely unlikeable and well let's face it, a bitch. I felt Szach (don't care how it's spelled) was a whiny old man "looking after the children" (not even gonna go into how creepy that sounds) I though Snow was an idiot, Hope was a loser, Vanille... was from Mars.

Jesus, this game didn't have any charm whatsoever. The maps were linear, the story was OMGWTFISGOINGON?!, the battle system was mash X to win. I would go on to say this is probably the worst RPG I've ever played. And the reason I bring this up is because

Yes. Square is scraping for acceptance. Lightning is wearing the costume a much cooler character, Yuna, once wore from a game that's significantly better as well as over a decade old. Lightning is NOT LIKEABLE and this is embarrassing marketing for the final chapter in the FFXIII trilogy. And with this move -- as well as her being able to dress as Cloud Strife -- Square is openly admitting "Look we fucked up, forgive us, buy this game and we'll use the money to make FFXV good."

Unfortunately, I'm a pretty hard sell. I'm not even gonna pat my pocket for this title, I've had enough emo and bitchy from you. Which is kind of weird to me admittedly because my favorite Final Fantasy was 8 and if you remember Squall was moody too. But here's the thing, he was relate-able! A troubled teen who shut out his friends and treated people coldly because he felt alone, he had the weight of the world on his shoulders, it made alot of sense for his psyche to crack. I can relate to being a loner who hates people, I can't relate to being a moody bitch who's cold to everything with a beating heart.

People told me the game gets good 20 hours in and what's that saying? I have to sit through 20 hours of SHIT to get to the gold? What kind of ass-backwards design philosophy does that come from? Why would I do that to myself when I can just play a game like Final Fantasy 8 which is intriguing from the get-go. It's a huge gamble and it lost.

A man of Fear

One of my favorite villains is actually all about this concept (Scarecrow). I recently just started brainstorming on a hot topic of mine and I actually wanted to roll with it as ridiculous as it sounds. I want to make a hero named 'Fear Man.' Yes it sounds completely generic but work with me here. Generic leaves the door open for more broader appeal without sacrificing the depth of the character. I mean look at Superman or Spiderman, those names are quite generic to be frank about it, but are easily identifiable to everyone because it breaks down into two things "Insert word here" which is usually an object, subject, or place that a large amount of people can relate to and then insert the word 'Man' which refers to humans. Everyone can relate to being human.

The main synopsis of this idea is that a man can and will have to do things he's afraid to do. And when he's able to get over the fear he realizes that the fear really was the worst part and that they're capable of so much when they get over that hump. Here's a copy and paste from my brainstorm.

Synopsis: Norman Hawkins, a psychology professor, witnesses a mafia hit on a man by mistake and his family is then threatened as a result if he attempts to testify against the assailant which prompts Norman to reluctantly refuse to testify allowing the hitman to get off. Feeling weak that he was intimidated and manipulated Norman becomes the Fear Man, a vigilante who uses his own brand of psychological scare tactics to battle crime.

Sounds weird, but what superhero origin doesn't? See I've been hooked on Breaking Bad for the past 2 weeks being that I missed it on television when it came out (and I do feel ashamed) and I absolutely fell in love with how Walt's character developed throughout the series, how he, a man faced with a death sentence, decided to go all out to provide for his family. And over the course of the series you see him progress into an increasingly more dangerous man and even to a point, psychopathic.

I LOVE this concept which is basically why, actually halfway why, I wanted to do this story. The other half was actually in the works years and years ago by the name of a hero I never quite got around to using, Nightmare, the Dream Ninja. In which case he actually didn't raid your dreams, but he was an assassin so perfect, so deadly, so efficient, that if you heard that you were his next target you'd have nightmares about him. The character just never came to fruition for me, I had too much time making him into something that could actually develop, but eventually a majority of his traits became a hero I work on constantly named Nicholas Blade, a much more sympathetic anti hero in my opinion.

The Fear man is my attempt to try and unravel my own fears and of course the theme is get others to examine theirs. I want to be as unique and clever as I can about it. And I actually want this to stay in a novel form rather than comic like my other works.

Anyway that's all I got, it's actually 4 in the morning and I'm waiting for this damn Aleve to kick in so I can friggin sleep, 12 hours my ass. Took one of those hours for the damn thing to START working. Anyways I just wanted to share my thought process, thanks for reading.

~Grim

Lunchables Pizzas are indeed the best

I am going to make a post solely to appreciate the awesomeness of Pizza Lunchables.

What is going on with me?

Lately I feel as though I'm not motivated by anything anymore. I'm gonna have to blame my mother, she seems to be trying to force me to succeed. It's like I'm not allowed to fail. I hate this feeling, she's doing everything for me: Taxes, insurance, cell phone bill etc. I feel as though I'm not in control and that bothers the hell out of me. I'm someone who NEEDS control or I just feel helpless

I don't feel like I'll ever succeed if I go on like this. I want to be able to actually explore myself and get to know who I am and what I want. I feel as though I have no more room to grow so long as I remain under the roof of my parents.

It is clear what I must do.