Breaking my comfort zone is so tough

I don't know why. I feel like I've lived within the same walls for far too many years. Like this doesn't go away. I feel like I don't understand people despite having an illusion of doing so. I treat them like equations basically. Always trying to solve them and manipulate them rather than interacting. And then there's the part of me that's screaming from the inside out. I'm banging on the walls to be who I want to be. But I just have so much fear.

Fear and consequence. Guilt and consequence. For some reason I'm just stuck in this loop of mental torture. I believe that if I make one mistake, the world will collapse. So I stick to what's safe. I stick to the comfort zone. I stick to making the same thing happen over and over because I know that's what I can rely on for 100% predictable results. I don't even think about stepping outside those walls. All that lies out there is trouble.

How to break this nightmare loop? I wish I knew. I've had so much issue with abandonment it's become ingrained in my psyche. One slip up trying to deviate and I just go back to square one.

Earlier my roommate referenced "being an adult" and I realized that my mindset really is juvenile as all hell. I believe long time friendships can just be broken up because of one misspeak. One wrong act can devastate friendships. But, I don't do that. And I don't get why I don't apply my own common sense to others. I'm very reasonable and so are a lot of the people I associate with. It's just I've received so much hatred, like I feel genuine hatred, from my past that I think everyone around me as simply irrational. Robotic. And this makes me act like I can control them with certain response or action to get what I want. I've gone into the zone of seriously treating people like animals. I've gone mad.

Of course there's hope. Bringing down these walls is a hard task. I have to reconnect with what I want. I want to reconnect with the world. In a natural way. Maybe lots of alcohol is the cure. Everyone around me is just as sane as I am. I need to repeat that.

#streamofconsciousness #youWillCriticizethiswhenyoureaditinthefuture #thankyourself

Day 3

So with the move finally done and we're still settling in I'll go through some thoughts. I love the new place and the independence I now have as a person and I'm making sure I look out for my people.

The first night I get a call from my little sister saying she misses me and it took everything I had to not choke up with tears. I guess it finally hit her that I was leaving. Because she didn't say anything the several times I told her or perhaps she didn't think I was actually moving. Either way it was hard to hear her like that. But I assured her I'll be around still just not as much.

The first night was the most liberating feeling when I got to lay down in my bed for the first time in a new setting. It gave me a great feeling of satisfaction. It was even better because I didn't have to work that night either. It was a perfect night.

The second and third days have been fine too. I just worked 10 hours yesterday virtually nonstop and slept at 2 in the morning, so today I was really taken aback by the fact I woke up at 6 with the hungries. So now I'm finally feeling the weight of my fatigue and starting to yawn. So I'm gonna hit some more of this leftover pizza and pass out again.

I'm looking to kick myself right back into HIGH GEAR the coming weeks. I have every tool I need to get me in motion. I'm working on my website/portfolio and brainstorming Ideas for the channel let's plays and looking to design some shirts too. I'm really aspiring to get grinding and rapidly expand and now that I have the space and independence to do so I'm gonna apply the drive.

Moving on with life and more and less anxiety

I'm gonna start off by saying that I'm getting more comfortable expressing my feelings out. I just feel like I'm being judged from all angles in any venture and it's like, I don't wanna be judged but I do. The problem with me is I seek perfection or high quality but lack the patience to obtain it. I like doing the things I do: Drawing, writing, music, game design, but I have the overwhelming doubts that I'm doing it wrong every time.

I hate being criticized without advice. Being told your work sucks or is sub par sucks without someone telling you WHY it sucks. But I became used to that. I have hangups about posting any of my work because I'm worried about people saying that it's not good or could be better but just leave it at that. It leaves me feeling empty and annoyed like "how?" I don't like it at all. So I like to keep things under wraps til major developments.

But then there's the other side of me who just wants some sort of praise anywhere where I can get it. Like dammit just be proud of what I did so far. I want to receive the praise and the constructive criticism without receiving any of the bashing. I mean I just got what I wated at my temp job where they were so impressed with my work that they're practically throwing hours at me. That's what I truly want. recognition. I want someone to say DAMN THAT'S GOOD. But being on the internet of course that's nowhere near close to a guarantee so I just have hangups. It's really annoying and honestly I hope I can get over it soon.  I'm moving on to the next chapters of my life. Living on my own and building a name for myself by myself. Moving on to a new job and hopefully a new life. Maybe even a new girlfriend if I can stop being awkward for 5 seconds.

I'm just saying I have dreams and ambitions. I honestly don't want to choke on them either. I just hope that I can come outta my shell more and more bit by bit as time moves on. And then I can see myself in an exec seat soon enough.