Since my body just woke me up at four in the morning and never let me go back I guess I'll post something that's really been bothering me. I have far too much restraint on me because of how I've been thinking for the past couple years. Its a rather odd restraint considering it has to do with over thinking
I started over thinking any and everything never taking anything at base value and assuming that there's also something more when about 90% of the time (made up statistic) there really isn't.
It leads to small things like counting money to take forever from me or something big like math problems or something that would often require one solution I ALWAYS though there would be more than one no matter what. This often gave me problems as you'd imagine with my speed because I'm constantly re-doing things over and over to make sure that everything is right. And I feel like personally exploring MY reasons for doing this and and why I want to officially shut down and restart
Ok so back when I was a teenager which wasn't too long ago but I'm talking early teens I was always the C and D student and such and such and I would always get shit from my mother about everything I did because being from the military it was customary for things to be done one and only one way, and that was the way of the one who's in charge which is clearly my mother. Anyway from things like cleaning to homework if things weren't done HER WAY then I'd have to re-do them over and over until I get it "right" as defined by her standards. So this naturally led to me literally ALWAYS second guessing everything I did because holy shit was that annoying having to do the same thing over and over no matter how hard you tried it just wasn't "right" even though it was fine by you. So this would always plague me in my speed department because now I'm used to getting ONE RESULT as defined by a standard and if I don't get that I have a conditioned response to re-do the task over and over until it's considered done by a set standard (ex. cleaning something at work) because I just want it done right and I don't want to be talked down on, by anyone. And that's where it came from psychologically. So now I do things over and over if it's not meeting a standard.
So this leads to over thinking everything from the inability to ever be satisfied with my work anywhere. This lead to problems for instance something at work just isn't "clean" enough I will literally keep blowing my head up at the fact that I haven't "cleaned" it and what will the manager say? Will I get fired? Holy hell I'm doing it now as I type. Anyway this is really frustrating as one may imagine because I really just want to be normal... as defined by America (AHHH!!) but if I never learn to just calm the fuck down and simplify things then this is going to ruin me.
Anyways I'm tired of it so I'm just going to turn my brain off and say piss off to every solution but the correct solution and I'll do it as expedient as need be without overdoing it, because I never knew that there was something wrong with always trying to get the best solution until it slowed everything I did to a crawl
Oh and I can't sleep.
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