But the thing is, the reason I disappear for months to years at a time is because I'm afraid of judgement. I WANT to beat everyone and wave my dick in their face like "SUCK IT BITCH" but that moment can easily be deflated by criticism. I don't know why it's always been that way, I was always used to being the best at anything in school (non sports related) When we did class projects I made sure to put extra effort into things and make them truly unique. But now that I have millions of peers compared to about 20 it makes standing out so much harder, I want to be recognized, I want the recognition dammit.
I'm not irrational (cause rational people contradict themselves like I'm about to) I know hard work leads to recognition.
"Practice doesn't make perfect. Practice makes better."Words from my band teacher throughout middle school and I never took them seriously. I honestly think maybe I live in a hell of my own creation and I don't apply the talent I know I have in order to hide my imperfections. It's a crazy cycle but I've done it for years. I am the man with the plan with no means to execute them. My plans always sound amazing and that was the one thing that kept me going, that everybody expects something great and they'll always expect it and I honestly don't want to disappoint that hype so I never come through. I've rarely completed a project I've started. It's a cycle that I need to break if I'm to get anywhere in life, but I'm so used to being lazy and I don't fucking know why.
Like Merle Dixon said, "I'm a complete mystery to me" and I seem to know all the answers off the bat but never actually use them. This is the mind of the Grim.
~Grim
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