Breaking my comfort zone is so tough

I don't know why. I feel like I've lived within the same walls for far too many years. Like this doesn't go away. I feel like I don't understand people despite having an illusion of doing so. I treat them like equations basically. Always trying to solve them and manipulate them rather than interacting. And then there's the part of me that's screaming from the inside out. I'm banging on the walls to be who I want to be. But I just have so much fear.

Fear and consequence. Guilt and consequence. For some reason I'm just stuck in this loop of mental torture. I believe that if I make one mistake, the world will collapse. So I stick to what's safe. I stick to the comfort zone. I stick to making the same thing happen over and over because I know that's what I can rely on for 100% predictable results. I don't even think about stepping outside those walls. All that lies out there is trouble.

How to break this nightmare loop? I wish I knew. I've had so much issue with abandonment it's become ingrained in my psyche. One slip up trying to deviate and I just go back to square one.

Earlier my roommate referenced "being an adult" and I realized that my mindset really is juvenile as all hell. I believe long time friendships can just be broken up because of one misspeak. One wrong act can devastate friendships. But, I don't do that. And I don't get why I don't apply my own common sense to others. I'm very reasonable and so are a lot of the people I associate with. It's just I've received so much hatred, like I feel genuine hatred, from my past that I think everyone around me as simply irrational. Robotic. And this makes me act like I can control them with certain response or action to get what I want. I've gone into the zone of seriously treating people like animals. I've gone mad.

Of course there's hope. Bringing down these walls is a hard task. I have to reconnect with what I want. I want to reconnect with the world. In a natural way. Maybe lots of alcohol is the cure. Everyone around me is just as sane as I am. I need to repeat that.

#streamofconsciousness #youWillCriticizethiswhenyoureaditinthefuture #thankyourself

Day 3

So with the move finally done and we're still settling in I'll go through some thoughts. I love the new place and the independence I now have as a person and I'm making sure I look out for my people.

The first night I get a call from my little sister saying she misses me and it took everything I had to not choke up with tears. I guess it finally hit her that I was leaving. Because she didn't say anything the several times I told her or perhaps she didn't think I was actually moving. Either way it was hard to hear her like that. But I assured her I'll be around still just not as much.

The first night was the most liberating feeling when I got to lay down in my bed for the first time in a new setting. It gave me a great feeling of satisfaction. It was even better because I didn't have to work that night either. It was a perfect night.

The second and third days have been fine too. I just worked 10 hours yesterday virtually nonstop and slept at 2 in the morning, so today I was really taken aback by the fact I woke up at 6 with the hungries. So now I'm finally feeling the weight of my fatigue and starting to yawn. So I'm gonna hit some more of this leftover pizza and pass out again.

I'm looking to kick myself right back into HIGH GEAR the coming weeks. I have every tool I need to get me in motion. I'm working on my website/portfolio and brainstorming Ideas for the channel let's plays and looking to design some shirts too. I'm really aspiring to get grinding and rapidly expand and now that I have the space and independence to do so I'm gonna apply the drive.

Moving on with life and more and less anxiety

I'm gonna start off by saying that I'm getting more comfortable expressing my feelings out. I just feel like I'm being judged from all angles in any venture and it's like, I don't wanna be judged but I do. The problem with me is I seek perfection or high quality but lack the patience to obtain it. I like doing the things I do: Drawing, writing, music, game design, but I have the overwhelming doubts that I'm doing it wrong every time.

I hate being criticized without advice. Being told your work sucks or is sub par sucks without someone telling you WHY it sucks. But I became used to that. I have hangups about posting any of my work because I'm worried about people saying that it's not good or could be better but just leave it at that. It leaves me feeling empty and annoyed like "how?" I don't like it at all. So I like to keep things under wraps til major developments.

But then there's the other side of me who just wants some sort of praise anywhere where I can get it. Like dammit just be proud of what I did so far. I want to receive the praise and the constructive criticism without receiving any of the bashing. I mean I just got what I wated at my temp job where they were so impressed with my work that they're practically throwing hours at me. That's what I truly want. recognition. I want someone to say DAMN THAT'S GOOD. But being on the internet of course that's nowhere near close to a guarantee so I just have hangups. It's really annoying and honestly I hope I can get over it soon.  I'm moving on to the next chapters of my life. Living on my own and building a name for myself by myself. Moving on to a new job and hopefully a new life. Maybe even a new girlfriend if I can stop being awkward for 5 seconds.

I'm just saying I have dreams and ambitions. I honestly don't want to choke on them either. I just hope that I can come outta my shell more and more bit by bit as time moves on. And then I can see myself in an exec seat soon enough.

Slowly realizing my place

Last night I realized my place in the world. Over the past couple months I've been trying out all the things I never got to do due to lack of time/funds/interests/etc and I really actually found myself enjoying them. I've been going to weekly fighting game tournaments at a local game store and actually got to get competitive for once with people who care about getting competitive. And even though a majority of the time these people who practice and analyze fighting games much more than I do wrecked my shit I really enjoyed my time there.

But come last night when I was watching the stream for said tourney I had a bit of banter with the casters and it was fun but they told my presence wasn't missed lol. I know I wasn't a staple there but for me it was an eye opener. I am not a fighting game player. I like fighting games. And I like a lot fo other things. I think the reason I wanted to try so many things is because I always tried to fit in wherever I could with people. I also liked seeing how far I could go in versatility. But I've also realized that I can only do so much. And even though I do a lot, I thought I'd have more interest in these things. Come to find out that they're more passing glances and opportunities for me.

I don't have much the patience to get good at everything I like to do. And I'm not meant to be in the big leagues everywhere. In fact I have to be honest with myself and admit that I have a nasty attitude toward some people I deem beneath me. I don't know why but it's a certain cockiness that I get from just knowing I can do something. It's just knowing I could be good at something if I tried but resting on that potential to be a straight up asshole that I need to stop.

I just need to accept my lot and stay in my place. Only talk shit when I am the shit. And this is mental too. I can't think I'm better than someone out of potential, I need to think that only when I'm truly a great. But even then the mark of a great isn't to talk down but to build up.

My true passions are in Writing and Drawing and Video Game Design. And those are what I should put all my time into. Those are the circles I belong in. Those are the area where if I were ever to build arrogance for some reason it should be sourced from them. But I think this is a good turnaround point for me. I think I can finally clear the checks off my life to-do list for my 20s and thank goodness for that. I had so many things I wanted to do when I was younger and thought I would never do. I still have more but I think I'll take a more passive role than I did before. I wanna take in the experience but not become part of it.

Semester complete; anxiety building?

Another semester down chaps. Long way to go on achieving that degree in computer science and to be perfectly honest I'm not sure if I wanna go for it anymore. I do love to design games, but recently I'm starting to feel I don't know some sort of pressure. I feel like the path taken as a career would force me to constrict my passions and lock me into a rut. I don't want to feel like I'm working when I'm expressing and exercising my passions. I'm a multi-passionate being and have several different fields I want to take on: Art, video editing, music, writing, acting. And I want to take them all on. I know that I should only take one as a career but I'm afraid of burnout. What if I get burnt out on one or all? I'm thinking too much.

Gonna read some comics now.

An Ordinary Restart

An Ordinary Shooter 3 is in development but I keep running into walls for some reason. There's alot of ideas but some of them lack the cohesion when I put them in play. So to help me out with the process I'm gonna but some time into restructuring the old games with some of my new gameplay philosophies.

I've listened to alot of the feedback from the first two games, such as the busy background and the game being extremely fast and hard to follow. There also was alot of clutter and a busy upgrade system and honestly, looking back on it, the game was very messy. Even still I'm proud of it. But now I have the opportunity to go back and try again.

This is gonna be a complete remake of the first two games in one. I want to keep the old experience feel with much more polish.

An Ordinary Shooter: Last Flight

Before the [spoiler]

Coming back to Blogger ^_^ Story Interconnectivity, new series coming!

So it's come to my attention that Tumblr isn't exactly the best place to do thoughts on Blogs more than pictures. Besides I haven't truly used it... ever

So I'm coming back to the main blog here to post thoughts. WB.

So an update on what's going on behind the scenes there's some work being done and let me say that I enjoy writing it as much as I hope you'll enjoy reading it. I have a large explosion of ideas just reading to translate over and I fully intend on releasing them in the coming months. A character I've wanted to introduce for a long time is arriving in the next Sentinels chapter and many things have changed for Tonya.

Also Tonya isn't the only one of the Harding sisters (the ones that are alive) that's got a story to tell. There's a new story coming involving her elder sister.

The Dreadskull pirates, now having to deal with Tori's new found drinking problem, may be in quite a bit of trouble. D'Angelo's past enemies and transgressions may come to bite him in the ass.

Moretto Carlone, a new character to a new series is about to have his once miserable life turned upside down. Who are the Faith? Why does an Angel want him dead?

Gabriel... Wait who? That crazy 87 year old guy? He's got nothing to do with anything... Why is he carrying all that weaponry? He's supposed to be a hermit who hates the smiles of small children and the sun. Wait... is that the same Gabriel, why does he look no older than 35 now? Seattle is such a weird place, first there's whispers of a large cult and now there's reverse aging? Lets get outta dodge, before something else weird happens.

Michael Wayland is a wealthy self-made millionaire who specializes in technological advancements. His company Wayland Industries, was built with his blood, sweat, and tears and now he's certainly living the life. Beautiful women, extravagant parties, expensive cars and homes, he truly became the American Dream. When a school bombing nearly kills him during an inspirational speech, he's forced to fuse with one of his most revolutionary inventions, The Wayland Battery, that acts as a new heart and offers the body a nearly unlimited energy force. With a new lease on life he casts away his materialistic life to become hero. But is this truly the path he wants to follow?

Moving over to Tumblr

I figured Tumblr is alot easier to use and has better layouts available so please follow me on Tumblr!

Spent some more time Drawing than usual

Mr. Magic

Kindra

N'al De Fey

New Computer up and running

Jesus finally I can convert that old one into a development devoted comp!

It had DDR2 memory and was very hard to work with for a while since alot of its tech was outdated as well. But with this new comp I have 16 gigs of moving power so now I can start striving closer to my goals!

My writing is ALIVE

For the longest time I've only lived in my head and played around with ideas of stories and plot lines. This that and the third and I was great (so I believe) at coming up with interesting tales and characters. I could make a story off of a single thought, even so much as a single sound could easily spark my imagination into overdrive. I could rattle off about everything I've possibly thought of but since I pulled an entire continuity reboot and started from scratch that would be pointless. Back to what I was saying.

My most recent writings in the The Sentinels, which is an episodic story on a blog, has made me start to realize the writing itself is... living. Week to week I've got to expand the story and keep things on track and while I'm doing this I find myself saying "No no, she wouldn't do that." or "He/she's gotta make this happen" and I slowly started realizing that this stuff has a mind of its own. When it wants to expand it demands a new character or plot element. It demands a character act a certain way or a scene have a certain type of symbolism. At first I thought "ok... I've lost it" and perhaps maybe I have but I as the writer can't deny what the story wants. It's part of me, my creation so why would I neglect it?

That was just the thought of the moment, I apologize if this is like an obvious point for everyone or just plain insane. But that's what I was thinking.

Growth

With the addition of a new character named Mr. Magic in my The Sentinels series, where magic is a prevalent force/ plot element. He is a character who's pretty well versed in the mystic arts and I realized "oh crap, I haven't mapped this crap out yet!"

So for the last 4 hours I've been mapping out and defining the various colors and schools of magic, what they do and what uses they have.

At first I thought "This is gonna be easy, I play Final Fantasy"

Ugh. Because I wanted to be original and not just copy and paste from another work I used other fantasy worlds as influence on my own. And Cripes! Coming up with an entire hierarchy for magic isn't easy AT ALL. And after all that work the back of my head was pounding and I needed to lie down for second.

While it was uncomfortable I feel a tad bit accomplished that I cared enough about my writing to create an entire system for just a plot element. If this was some time ago maybe I'd like to say a year ago I wouldn't have even bothered and probably woulda taken the magic schools out and just winged it in explaining it all. I myself am surprised at how much I've grown as a writer and how much writing has grown on me.

Writing hasn't always been a top top priority like it has become now. I would just pump stories out and not even care about the whos, whats, whens, wheres, or hows It would just be a "Yup that's that" and I'd just go on to create another. But with what I feel now I want my stories to be worth the read or at least worth the look. And this is how far I'm willing to go for it.

Marshall Mathers LP 2 is a no go

I got Marshall Mathers LP 2 a week ago and like any Eminem fan I was excited but with a healthy dose of skepticism. I was hoping maybe he'd go COMPLETELY back to MM LP and back to the cleverness and gore that made him. And did he succeed? Short answer: no.

It seems Eminem's a bit more disappointed in himself these days more than usual and decided to make an album in a last ditch effort to recapture his magnum opus back from 2000, or 13 years ago if you can't count backward very well.

Eh. Never thought I wouldn't be able to sit through an Eminem project, hell I sat through Relapse just fine the first time (Stay Wide Awake still gives me nightmares though) so why couldn't I get through this? One word: Production. It absolutely PILEDRIVED this album into the ground. It wasn't a homage to early 2000's Eminem it was more late 2010 Eminem. But the thing is Recovery was GOOD, I particularly enjoyed it, but MM LP 2 feels more like Recovery 2 than anything.

The beats just make you want to tuck yourself in. Outside of Rhyme or Reason, Bad Guy, and Brainless There was absolutely no notably good production on the songs, and the hooks sung by these various different women here and there, I don't know what that was about. Even with the lyricism being Eminem standard clever and fast the beats and hooks killed all excitement on pretty much every track. It didn't feel like the MM LP Eminem that he reached for. Honestly half the beats coulda gone to Macklemore.

If I had to Rate this album 3.5/5

What did you think? Comment below

King Grim turns 21!

Happy birthday to me this fine Veteran's day as well as a happy Veteran's day to all the Veterans out there including my mother. While today was more of a day of rest for me I still feel as though finally I've gotten my life back on the track it was meant to travel on. I've still got a long journey ahead of me but FINALLY I can say my head is on straight.

I really want my goal: to become a mogul. To build an Empire and have a legacy to share even when I'm gone (dark thought).

Time to start moving into the future further and further.

And continuing with my advancement into the future, The Sentinels has also advanced itself quite a bit into it's future with the latest release. Nicholas and Tonya Harding finally meet!

Go check it out for yourself!

As always thank you guys for reading, I appreciate it alot! Make sure you follow this blog and The Grim Library so you'll be the first to know when new stories come out!

Anyways, much love guys!

~ King Grim

How Bleach prevented me from watching or reading any more Anime and Manga

I'll admit I was a 90's baby which means I grew up on DBZ and Yu Yu Hakusho and pretty much everything else Toonami played. For the last couple years I got wrapped in Animes and almost always they were impressive with each tale and the art styles never got old even though they're virtually all the same.

Then I watched Bleach... As soon as I watched the end of the Aizen conflict I left more pissed than the last episode of Inuyasha.... So many... goddamn plotholes... glaringly obvious character inconsistencies and constant constant PIS PIS PIS (Plot induced stupidity)

It was like Taito Kubo wrote himself into a corner and instead of writing himself out of it he tore the damn walls down. I just... I felt so betrayed... I invested time in this series more than any other series because the Shinigami Invasion arc was flawless and the character development was great up to that part.

I watched the Bound arc... shut up...

It really got bad at the Hueco Mundo arc, powers coming out of nowhere, characters introduced , established, and bopped pretty much immediately, Ichigo dies twice but comes back from the force of love or something. I for the life of me started tearing my hair out at the whole end to the Aizen kidnaps Orihime thing, that BLEW ME. At this point mentally I'm like "Why me? Kubo, what did I do?" But I stuck with the series still.

The next Arc I WAS DONE.

The things that made me cry:

• Ikkaku not using Bankai despite reality itself being at stake (This is at the fucking top because WOW)
• Kumomora's Bankai making no sense
• Tousen, just that was pointless
• Gin's Bankai making no sense
• Shunsui Koryaku's bankai being "too dangerous to use while people are looking" (WHAT!)
• Aizen's Death (YES HE DID DIE)
• Wonderweiss
• Everyone vs Aizen
• Soi Fong's Bankai not making sense
• Why did Aizen slice up Hallibel?
• All the useless support characters standing within hugging distance of Aizen without "losing their existence" when previously they could barely see ghosts
• Various power level inconsistencies
• Ichigo's dad is how fucking old?
• Why does Ishin Kurosaki know Getsuga Tensho? Where'd Final Getsuga Tensho come from?
• The final fight with Aizen
• Yammy is number 0
• Shunshui Koryaku's Shikai

I've never been able to commit myself to another series since. I even went back to Inuyasha to see the final act but this was just too much. It hurt. It scarred me and has since prevented me from ever touching another anime/manga

The Sentinels #5 is up!

Rufio in prison may be the worst idea yet! There's some serious trouble going down in Santa Maya Prison. And you can probably tell who's behind it, but if you can't!

Find out now!

Nicholas Blade appears in The Sentinels #5

The Silver haired assassin is going to make his debut appearance in the Sentinels #5 as well as a view of what's to come. A sneak peek at what's upcoming? Let's just say Rufio has been captured! Wait what?

Retraining

As many who are fans of me know I have erratic patterns when it comes to schedules and yes this is very very true. Well you see I've been so used to being lazy and enjoying myself that I've forgotten a bit of discipline from my old marching days.

Anyways here's to me getting back in form. I'm gonna start putting forth my effort to make quality content for the library and actually retrain myself to adhere to a schedule.

Sentinels #4 is up!

Tonya Harding faces the consequences of her actions and tries to keep her head on straight. And what's going on with Rufio? Why are his wrists bleeding?

Find out now!